"I" Message

When you want to let someone know that their behavior is bothering you, an “I” message is the best way. Usually people send a “you” message through which they blame or criticize the other person, causing the other person to react defensively and not hear the concern. The steps to making an “I” message are:

1) State your feeling about the other person’s behavior and be specific about it.
(“I feel worried when you are late and you don’t call me.”)

2) Ask what you would like them to do differently.
(“I would like you to call me when you’ll be more than 15 minutes late.”)

3) State what you will do if they do or do not honor your request. This is optional.
(“If you call and warn me you’ll be late, I won’t ground you for the next night.”)

Active Listening

When you actively listen to someone, you are making a real effort to hear and understand what they are saying. You are not thinking about your own reaction to what is being said; instead, you are listening deeply and with all of your attention. The next step is to let the other person know you have been listening by doing one of three things:

1) Reword or paraphrase what they have said and repeat it back to them.
2) State the meaning of what they said.
3) Guess at and state the underlying feeling of what they said.

Here are examples of each of these three levels of active listening:

1) Rewording
Speaker: I can’t believe how long it took me to get here. The traffic was pretty bad.
Listener: The traffic was bad and it took you longer than you thought to get here.

2) Meaning
Listener: You were surprised the trip took so long due to traffic delays.

3) Feeling
Listener: You sound frustrated that you got here later than you expected.

Active listening shows respect for the speaker and encourages more open and pleasant communication. Parents need to use this skill with their children and each other.

If you can use active listening when someone has a complaint about you, it has a deeply positive effect on that person. Relationships on the brink of break up can be strengthened and salvaged when both people listen without become defensive when they are hearing criticisms.

Empathy

When you can feel what another person feels, this is empathy. It involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes so as to see the situation from their point of view and experience the feelings they do. Empathy is the basis for intimate relationships and builds respect for the other person. People who are high in emotional intelligence have good empathy skills.

Impulse Control

When you delay what you want and put off gratifying your immediate desire, you have a better chance to control yourself and decide if that is what you really want. Impulse Control involves noticing that an impulse has arisen, which is using mindfulness. This allows you to stop and think, debating the pros and cons of giving in to an impulse. Techniques to improve impulse control include noticing the impulse, then taking a deep breath, walking away from a tense situation, distracting yourself (redirection), thinking pleasant thoughts, and focusing on what you have to be grateful for.

Polite Request

This is an extension of an “I” message. After stating how you feel about another person’s behavior, you put your request for a change in behavior in a clearly polite form, then gently ask for their agreement:

“I would really appreciate it if you would get the kids to finish some of their homework. Would that be possible?”

Problem Solving

This is a process where you work with another person to reach an agreement on how to deal with a future event that has been a problem in the past. Quite often a compromise is reached, where each person gets some of what they want, and each agrees to make an effort to reduce the problem. It is best to try this process when you are calm and in a good mood. There are four to five steps to problem solving:

1) Define the problem to be discussed.
2) Brainstorm possible solutions to the problem and delay judgment about each suggestion until later.
Everyone must suggest at least one possible solution.
3) Evaluate the pros and cons for each suggestion.
4) Agree (reach consensus) on the best solution or combination of solutions.
5) Write down the agreement if there is a chance someone will not remember the agreement.

Reframing

The way you look at a situation affects how you react or respond to it. When you look at another person’s behavior as coming from negative motives, you react with defensiveness or aggression. Reframing is changing the “frame,” or the way you look at a situation, much as changing the frame of a picture affects how you see it. By thinking of either positive or neutral motives behind the other person’s behavior, you change your emotional reaction. Instead of feeling defensive or angry, you remain calm. You are then able to decide how to handle the situation instead of merely reacting. Reframing is an active effort to think more positively about others’ motives, to give them the benefit of the doubt. Reframing becomes easier the more you use it, and it can eventually transform your life.

The “4 Rs” is a way to connect Self-Talk, Stop–Look–Listen, and Reframing.

Recognize that an impulse has arisen.

Refrain from reacting. This refers to outer behavior rather than inner emotion.

Relax. Take five to seven deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Reframe the situation using self-talk and positive reappraisal.

Role Modeling

One of the best ways to get your children (and others) to behave a certain way is to demonstrate it yourself, because children tend to copy the behaviors of their parents. If you do not want your children to yell, swear, be disrespectful, or be aggressive, you should avoid demonstrating these behaviors. In general, children are most likely to do as you do, regardless of what you say.

Self-Talk

This skill involves giving silent instructions to yourself to make sure you react calmly and do not let your emotions control what you say and do. This involves goal setting, where you remind yourself what your goals are (keeping your “eye on the ball”). Self-talk also can involve calming yourself and rehearsing ahead of time what you will say and do. You are much more likely to stick to your plan if you have it rehearsed ahead of time.

Sensitivity

This involves empathy, where you can see situations through other people’s eyes and feel what they feel. Sensitivity means considering the feelings and welfare of others before you act. It means that you do not always put your needs of the moment first. Sensitivity increases with maturity, wisdom, compassion, and self-control.

Stop-Look-Listen

This is a three-step skill that gives you more control over how you react to a tense situation.

The first step is to notice that you are feeling tense, to stop yourself for a few moments instead of reacting. Use reframing during this step.

The second step is to look at all your options for responding to this situation. You quickly think of different ways you could respond, then evaluate the pros and cons of each one.

The third step is to listen to your better nature, then choose the best option, the response with the most plusses and the least minuses.

After going through these three steps, you will be far better able to make a wise decision and respond to the tense situation effectively.